Hi, everyone. So, it’s been several months – almost a year – since my last entry on here. Since then, I moved on to doing my YouTube channel on astrology, which is currently on hiatus, and I have also continued to do astrological readings and services for people. In the midst of all of this, I have been going through my first Saturn Return. I have made a couple of videos on my channel, speaking of my experiences during this time. But, I thought it would be good to put it in writing on here, especially since I think I articulate myself better in writing. It hasn’t been that dramatic or difficult. There have certainly been some challenges yet they have been nothing that I haven’t gone through before. In the end, I can already feel the personal growth occurring.
So, I have Saturn in Capricorn and in the 12th House, which is also conjunct my Neptune in the 12th. (Uranus is conjunct these planets, as well, but in the 11th) Transiting Saturn has been conjunct my natal Saturn since the transit began due to me having an early-degree Saturn (8 degrees). It didn’t enter my 12th House until the end of February and the exact conjunction occurred a week or so after. I will say that, even though I felt something happening before it went into my 12th, once it officially returned to this house and became exact, the difference was clear. How long your Saturn Return is or when it begins can be debated quite a bit. But, I think that, even when transiting Saturn is conjunct your Saturn, it’s not until it has returned to the house your Saturn is in that you really start feeling your Saturn Return. I can now say this from personal experience.
Everyone’s Saturn Return is going to be different, based on the sign, house placement, and aspects that are going on. I have a lot going on with my Saturn, aspect-wise: conjunct Uranus and Neptune, sextile the Moon (which is exact), opposing Jupiter and Chiron, trine Mercury and Mars. Amazingly enough, I can really see how all of these aspects have been expressing themselves even more strongly these days. Whenever your Saturn’s aspects return, they manifest more powerfully in your life. All of my aspects have been coming in loud and clear these days, especially since the second exact conjunction just ended (the third will occur in December, once Saturn is direct again). But, of course, the aspects are speaking through the sign and house. It’s so fascinating to see all of this play out, as an astrologer, because it shows how powerful the synthesis of astrology is. Maybe you need a major transit like the Saturn Return to really show you that.
First off, with Saturn in Capricorn and in the 12th, I have been learning how much I can restrict myself and defeat myself without even realizing it. I have talked a lot about having Saturn in the 12th on here and I think back to my first article about it. Even though it’s great that so many people got something out of it, looking back on it, three years later, I disagree with certain things I said. I don’t think that having Saturn in the 12th means that you need to let go of some of your happiness. That is, I don’t think that now. It makes sense that I would say that, back then, because having this Saturn creates a secret part of you that feels like everything is futile or meaningless because of the cruel or temporary nature of life.
Since I have Saturn dignified in Capricorn, which basically takes your fears and insecurities and raises the volume on them, my inner nihilist is even more intense than the next 12th House Saturn person’s. (Another person who had Saturn in Capricorn in the 12th: Sylvia Plath; one of my favorite poets/writers who I have a lot of placements in common with and whose journals I’ve been reading during this time) So, I have stuck myself in such a cycle of tormenting myself and inflicting pain and unhappiness on myself, albeit privately and in a way that people could only guess at, that I stopped myself from being happy. And the worst thing is that, a la the 12th House, I didn’t realize that there was anything wrong with it or that what I was doing was counterproductive.
All of that hidden, compulsive negativity and self-pity (since Neptune is involved, too) has wasted time, preventing me from achieving all that I can achieve. Yet, how do you go about achieving your goals when you have Saturn in the 12th? It’s a very tricky placement because of the immaterial nature of the 12th and the structured quality of Saturn. You have to not deny your ambitions, to accept the notion of rising to the top and actually living the life you want, while also not obsessing over your goals or pursuing them in a self-absorbed manner. Doing that is going to defeat you, as well. You will only accomplish things in life, with this placement, when you allow the Universe to aid you, when you believe that something greater and more powerful than yourself has an ultimate plan.
Being an astrologer for so long has prepared me for accepting this mindset. I can only imagine what this time would be like if I hadn’t spent the past decade studying astrology and using it to help myself and other people. It would probably be a lot worse. Yet, I am also moving toward other spiritual practices and mindsets. I am starting to get into crystals, figuring out which ones to get to protect myself from and cleanse me from negative energy. I also bought this book recently called The Power of Positive Energy that is basically all about manifesting what you want in life and working with negative energy in a way that won’t defeat you and will free you to live the life you want. It’s a book with a balanced, realistic approach and I would definitely recommend it to anyone. I’ve highlighted whole passages in it that I’ve found most helpful and return to it regularly.
I have to admit that it hasn’t been an overnight process. I’m still working on it. It’s taking a long time for me to shift my consciousness and realize that the Universe is always on my side, always supporting me and protecting me, as the book says. This mentality, this level of faith, gives me the most faith. I don’t know if it’s a matter of believing in God because I left religion behind a long time ago. But, I do believe in something bigger than myself and I know that this is the only way I’ll get ahead in life. How can I not believe, after so much experience being an astrologer and telling people that I’ve never even met all about themselves and their lives? Because of astrology, in so many ways, I have mastered spirituality, which is what my Saturn wants me to do. But, I still have work to do and I always will. The lessons never stop.
I do feel more aligned with the Universe, like we have a much stronger relationship and that I can see the signs more clearly than I used to. At the risk of sounding like a God-complex Aquarius Rising, I do just feel much more “in tune” to these things than most people. I have always been such a spiritual person and tuned into the greater meanings of what’s happening around me. Now, that awareness is more important to develop and access. Jupiter is opposing my Saturn and I can see that at play through my new focus on positive energy and the understanding that this doesn’t mean completely doing away with things that seem negative. I have tried to do that throughout life and that only caused me to deny my true problems and feelings. It’s an aspect that’s about using a belief system to work with negativity and rise above it, which is what I’m doing now.
Saturn’s trine to my Mercury and Mars is also evident because the more I stop indulging in negative thoughts (Mercury), the more driven and courageous I feel (Mars). I have let so many obsessive thoughts get in the way of me doing what I really want to do. In the past couple of years, especially, those doubts just keep getting in the way and preventing me from taking the action I really want to take. But, what’s stopping me? All I have to do is have faith and surrender to the Greater Plan. It’s going to be messy and confusing, sometimes. But, it’s also going to be worth it.
Speaking of mess, I am learning to deal with my own inner mess of emotions, as well. The only way you can live with positive energy is to release whatever is holding you back, including unresolved feelings. My Moon sextile Saturn has really come into focus, in this way, as well as the opposition from Saturn to my Chiron in Cancer. There is so much from my past that I’ve had to let go of and I’ve had to do it by letting go of certain people; individuals who actually weren’t a good support system for me. It’s not about blaming or holding on to grudges. It’s about finding inner peace. Thanks to these aspects, I had to develop such emotional self-sufficiency while I was growing up that it can make it harder for me to be gentler toward myself; to practice true self-care.
I realized that during this transit when I was working myself into the ground (feeding off of that kind of ambition is also a Moon-Saturn thing). I think that’s been another aspect of this time: realizing how I can break myself down (12th House) by putting way too much pressure (Saturn) on myself. One week, I worked every day without taking a day off. It got to be too much and I had to take some time off to just rest and care for myself. Basically, I need to get better at nurturing myself. I also need to allow other people to support me. Moon-Saturn people, no matter the aspect, feel compelled to be strong all the time because we’re still acting out our super-mature inner child who, in some way, was there for people who were supposed to be there for us but weren’t. So, I am learning how to cultivate the right support system in my life and I have had nice experiences lately with people in my life who I know are there for me and care for me.
That has brought up a lot of emotional stuff, though. I feel myself more capable of working with my Chiron now because I am healing those issues but also accepting that they’re never going to totally go away. The 12th House is a mutable house and essentially contradictory. So, I am learning that I can be a person of great calm, peace, and love and also someone who is an emotional mess, full of all sorts of shadows and flaws and secrets. After all, the 12th House can take someone to the highest spiritual heights and the lowest emotional depths. The latter is very useful as an artist. I am moving back toward my roots as an artist, too, which I’ve been saying for the past year. But, it’s not just about deciding to get back into the arts. I am releasing and acknowledging a lot of things in my inner life that are helping me develop as an artist.
Understanding how to work with my sensitivity and use it, instead of locking it away, is really important. Saturn’s conjunction to my Neptune and Uranus is showing me that I can make a difference in that way. It’s a shame that “sensitive” is lobbied around as an insult when what people really mean when they say that is “fragile” (which is a side to us we all have, whether you admit it or not). Sensitivity is a gift. It gives you imagination, intuition, the ability to feel for people and understand people, a much richer experience of life. I’ve realized that I cannot get far in my artistic life unless I am operating from that place. I have to be mature enough to accept my sensitivity as a gift and not a handicap or something to hide. I also have to not take it personally when others cannot see it as a gift because they are just reacting from a place of conditioning or hurt.
At the same time, having Neptune in the 12th is different from Neptune in the 1st because you’re not making that high sensitivity about you. It’s not crying because someone hurt your feelings. It’s being able to empathize with other people, to understand the source of everyone’s fears, emotions, needs, and thoughts without judging them harshly for it. Yet, you also cannot do this without turning that awareness back toward yourself. It’s another way that I’m learning to be gentler and kinder to myself. I have recognized lately how harsh and horrible my inner self-talk can be (another symptom of Mercury trine Saturn). I do beat myself up, in my own way, too fixated on what I see as my failures or my problems. Doing that only creates more failures and problems for me. Instead, I have to focus on my strengths and my blessings and treat myself with more compassion.
My Saturn does actually give me a boundless ability to work and commit. It’s just not something that’s earned me a lot of recognition in my artistic life. I was kind of hoping for more to happen in regards to this part of my life. But, I do think I have more work to do: not only in terms of developing my faith in the process and continuing to rise above my ego but just doing the work. I have been putting it off and putting it off. Saturn in Capricorn people put those famous delays on ourselves. With my Saturn in the 12th, I have been doing it because a part of me has felt like uncertain of if I’m going to make it in the “real world”, especially due to past setbacks and failures. But, I have to completely commit to this. It’s what I’ve wanted to do since I was a child. So, I just need to do it and work at it, not worrying about the results. (Sorry if I’ve said this while talking about my Saturn before; like I said, these lessons aren’t learned overnight)
I’ve been juggling a few writing projects in the past month. Then, I know I need to buckle down and do what it takes to get them produced. Capricorn is, after all, the boss and I think I need to just take on that role to get these projects off the ground, no matter how difficult it may be. One of the projects has been a collection of poetry called 29. The title has a dual meaning, as I’m writing it the year I turn 29 (my birthday’s August 8th) and it’s also a collection of 29 poems. I have written in just about every form you can think of throughout my life and I’ve spent my twenties really enjoying writing poetry. The idea of making a book of my poems just came to me. It was such a cathartic release writing these poems. I feel like they tell the story of my life up to this point and strengthen my hope that I can move from all of the painful stuff of my past (and some of my present).
I also intend to share it with you all. I am looking to sell 29 as an e-book but the only strong audience/followership I have is through this blog and my YouTube channel. So, I plan on doing a post within the next week, once the book is fully edited and ready to go, featuring a couple of the poems, tying them into my Saturn Return (since this blog is still about astrology, after all). If they pique your interest, then you can buy the e-book! It’ll be available through PayPal for $9.99 and you’ll be able to purchase it through the post.
Anyways, thanks for reading and also thanks to all of you that continue to visit the blog. I get new readers all the time, as well as new clients through the blog, and it’s great to see it living on like it is. I’m glad I decided not to take it down! Take care.